Chapter Four

Posted Friday 27th February, 2015 Link to Authors



I grab my clothes, throwing on my jeans and trainers as I make for the door, running as fast as I can. I make my escape out into the corridor, down the stairs, and back into the bitter rain again, aiming to get as far away as possible. I give up on getting my already sodden shirt over my head as I run through the streets of Leeds, across town to my flat, the safety of my sanctuary. My heart pumps adrenaline through my body to keep me from freezing from the bitter cold and I know I have to get out of the rain as soon as I can, back to the warmth of my home. Each droplet that slashes against my chest feels like hail falling from the clouds. Each small drop whips lashes of pain against me from nature’s angry shower.

I am again that terrified twelve year old who ran into the night. Running away as fast as he could, vowing never to feel that way again, to never allow himself to be that hurt. Never allow himself to be around someone long enough to fall so hard again. Here I was, throwing myself off a cliff directly into the three words I said I would never utter again.

I love you!

Years of my emotional burial ruined with one short breath.

No three words have sickened me more and as they broke through my lips into his ears, the panic slapped me across the face, ruining the sexual energy I had built up and lost within him.

How could I allow this to happen?

The rain, however freezing, is a small blessing as it washes away the angry tears from my face. I try to ignore the people looking at me as I run through them, panting, never stopping. Their stares are no longer the lust filled desire I am accustomed to seeing in people. No, not now. All they see when they look at me is an almost naked man running through the rain, a shadow of his former self. An idiot to be half naked in such weather.

If only they knew I was running from my innermost fear, my only terror.

I crash into the door of my apartment block and finally allow myself to stop moving as I wait for the lift to arrive, gripping to the wall as I take in large gulps of breath, trying to regulate my heart beat again. When it eventually arrives, I fall into the empty lift, gripping the handrail for support against the wall, allowing more tears to fall as the doors slowly close. These tears I have not allowed to fall from my eyes since childhood are now saying their ugly hello.

Not again!

The promise I once made to myself, my tough man persona, is melting away as the barriers I spent all this time constructing are now tumbling down. All this because of three stupid words.

I try to regain control of my breathing as I finally manage to hit the button for floor twelve, where my flat is situated. After a few uninterrupted moments, I arrive at my destination, thankful nobody here saw my weakness. I fall into my flat after slamming the door behind me and just lay there with the room spinning around me. Like the small birds I am familiar with seeing on dazed cartoon characters, four of him appear before me, circling my head and laughing at my weakness.

Austin’s bitter laugh claws at my ears.

The ever confident Tom Park is pulling from me, leaving me in my new dwindling state.

Please no!

I fight to hold on to all I have moulded myself to be, desperately trying to pull myself back.

There is only one thing I need right now, to get him out of my head and begin to wash away all the crap. I drag myself to my feet and make for my small kitchen. I reach for the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels and unscrew it before taking a large, painful gulp. My throat burns as it makes its way down and I follow it with another gulp, then another.

With each swallow, I can feel it working as I allow the alcohol to burn within me, starting to burn the memories away.

I know what people really think about me, what they say behind my back, the ones that can’t take the rejection any longer. The desire they once had for me eats bitterly at them, consumes them to the brink of desperation and the names and taunts start.



Up my own arse!

As always, I allowed these words to wash over and not effect me, something I have perfected for almost ten years now. I have had to be all these things, the elements that make up Tom Park.

To stay strong.

I will never go back to how I was before, before the day my heart was ripped out of me, still beating, each painful beat saying its fond farewell to love. Never again will I go back to feeling like that; never allow my heart to be so weak again.


My once huge heart that just wanted love within it was taken from me and stomped on while I was still innocent, still just a young, impressionable boy who should want for nothing, but had to grow up too fast; harsh reality established deep within me.

My childhood home was like the house of Freddy Krueger in the old Nightmare on Elm Street movies, love and happiness all but burned up within it. Fear, shadows, and dark clouds consumed my so called home.

To the unsuspecting passers by, my house looked like any other on our block, but bitter blood pumped through its walls. Misery had set up home deep within.

I only trusted one person within my home, one person who lived to keep me safe, alive, happy, and most of all…


You only get one mother and mine was as everything to me as any child’s should be. She lived to love and protect me, her only child and reason for living. It was her stupid love and need to protect me from the monster that plagued us that was her inevitable downfall. The beast ripped apart my love before my eyes, ruining everything in one climatic night.

So no, I won’t allow myself to love again. I won’t allow love to tarnish my blood and flow into my heart.

Not again!

Never again.


So call me a bastard, a dick; call me what you want.

No one can ever understand!

I am and always will be forever emotionally alone, and that is fine with me!

I like being who I am. I love every eye on me without me having to say those stupid words. Yet here I am, washing away his face as he smiles at me with a bottle of JD, drowning my weakness.

Why him?

What spell had this guy cast to draw out these ugly words?

I go to the bathroom and turn on the shower before making a call to Louis. I need someone to take this out on, someone I know will satisfy my needs and knows there won’t be more to it, regardless of if he wants it.

Louis knows the rules when it comes to fucking me, and I know the three words won’t ruin the moment.

I may have had sex already, but this beats reading a book or watching crappy TV.

I can feel my cock twitch for sex again, with Austin, but no fucking way am I going down that road again.

No thank you.

I take another long gulp of JD, glad I bought a new bottle that is still unopened.

Time for drunken, un-loving sex.

Just what the doctor ordered.



I can’t move as his words bounce around my head like a mental pinball machine.

I love you!

Those words left his mouth before he forced me off him, grabbing his jeans and breaking from my room. Twice now he left me straight after getting what he wanted, but this time he left me with these words still echoing around my thoughts.

I love you!

Did he mean them or were they just part of his orgasm, his act to keep me hooked?

I lay here defeated, not knowing the answer to any of this.

I didn’t stop him leaving, didn’t argue as he bolted from the room, allowing his words to freeze me in place.

I love you!

These words that are thrown around by people so easily, words that should mean so much and feel so important, yet only leave me feeling numb, feeling alone.

I love you!

The words have him running from me, actually darting from my room like I was the most disgusting person in the world.

Is that what I am to him?

Has the man that hunted me down seen what I really am and used these words to hide his real disgust?

I am left so bewildered as I lay here trying to organise my thoughts.

I moved too fast as I allowed him to take me to the final step, and the biggest of all. Yes, a large part of me knew I was gay, but a small fraction now wishes I hadn’t given in so easily. I should have allowed him to chase me a little more, get to know me before I bent over for him; before I allowed him to fill me and take my innocence.

Had I followed these thoughts, then maybe when he did say those words, I wouldn’t be laying here with doubt eating at me.

My first time with a man should have been as special as it was with Samara, candles and music to set the mood, romantic foreplay to relax and excite us. I should have taken small, cautious steps towards sex with a man. Not fall before him and actually get turned on as his slave.

And where the fuck did that come from?

Now I am just another one of his notches, one of the men he can add to his ever expanding list. Another one he will forget. Just another face in the crowd of so many.

I love you!

The words keep pounding around my head, ringing in my ears. Did he mean them or should I just assume it was part of his passionate climax?

I love you!

I hang on to the words that repeat over and over within me. They buzz through me, connecting the dots of all the places his touch left its mark.

So what now?

I lay here, still naked, even more unsure now than I was then. Where do I go now? What do I do?

And do I love him?

I have no idea. Can you really fall for someone so easily?

My fingers wander down my naked chest as I remember every touch of his, every word he said still surging through me. I never expected to hear the words, especially from him, but even though I am unaware of my feelings, I still have butterflies in my chest at the thought of it.

According to the website, Halo’s only opens Thursday – Sunday, so I have no way of contacting him to discuss what just happened. No way of checking if he meant what he said; and if he did, then where do we go next? If at all we go there together?

Butterflies bang my chest harder when I think of a future with him, but can this ever be? I don’t really know him.

Insecurity festers within me again, not about my new confirmed sexuality, no can’t go back, but my future.

I have no insight, no crystal ball to see what will happen to me as I take my steps forward.

The thought makes me sigh with a heavy heart as the butterflies fall asleep again.

I turn my head to the side and allow my eyes to fall to the floor of my room. The now used condoms and wrappers practically discarded in the same place, all laying there on a small folded piece of paper.

A note?

I sit up and grimace through the pain of where he once was within me, as I slowly rise to my feet that now feel like jelly. I lean forward, collecting the condoms and note before sitting slowly back on the bed, Tiger Balm still tingling my broken seal.

Opening the paper, I am greeted by the familiar scroll of Samara’s handwriting. Her words cause me to drop the condoms to my thigh, the contents of which manage to snake out over my legs and soil my skin.

Her words cause my eyes to widen as the need to be sick locks in my throat.



I didn’t want to wake you, but I have gone back to London, not York like you thought.

Last night as you slept, I heard you speak a name, not mine but someone called Tom!! All my fears have now been confirmed as I heard you moan for him, to taste him again??? I have known for a while that you may be gay, but I was happy to ignore the idea as much as I thought you were. I guess I never wanted to admit that I may lose you. I know we could both never truly be happy together while you find men attractive, unable to live a blissful lie. I just really hoped you would try; try to love me as much as I love you.

You know I am far from homophobic, but right now my head is all over the place.

Please don’t contact me, not yet. I need to hate you for a while, before I can love you as just a friend.

As always,

Your Samara.


Guilt eats me from within as her painful words attack me.


My best friend and first love has found out for herself how I have lied. No longer can I plan to tell her myself, let her down gently as I explain it all and tell her how I have tried to live a lie, but I can’t.


My stupid dreams have given me away, told her what I desired, but didn’t explain it all to her like I wanted.

Samara now knows everything, but how much of it is hurting her? Can she hate me as much as I hate myself?

The note falls through my fingers to the floor and I bring my elbows to my knees, resting my head in my hand as cries and sobs desert me, not for myself, but for her.

My poor Samara.

The girl I never wanted to hurt.

I am sorry, Samara.

If only she could hear my thoughts.




I do now what I did on the streets that I made my home as a teenager, distract myself with all I have at my disposal. Then it was walking the streets to keep warm while avoiding the police, selling myself to the perverted older men that were enchanted by the fact that I could feed their desires for a small price. Fall to my knees while I tried to perfect the skill I now excel at, the skill to have men fall in ecstasy for me. The skill I used to help me survive, to feed myself, to eventually find me a home.

Today I have my own place and food in the fridge with men now falling before me. Yes, things are far different now, not like they were then.

Instead of losing myself in the street when I ran to London away from the monster, I now bring the men to my beck and call.

I sit against my window naked, drinking from my JD bottle with Louis’ head between my legs sucking me, while this Adam guy does his slow strip tease before me. He never takes his eyes from mine as he slowly removes item after item of clothing.

I can feel Louis slowly start to move his lips up my chest, trying to take control and tell me he wants more of my attention, but fuck that, he knew the rules when I called. I forcefully push his head back to where he was, to do what I told him and to shut the fuck up and focus.

I wash more of the burning liquid down my throat as I try to put out the fiery desire within me to have that fucking Austin again. Who says you can’t find happiness at the end of the bottle?

Idiots, that’s who!

“Like what you see?” Adam asks. He is trying to bait me.

When I had called Louis and told him to get his arse over to mine, to help with the itch he needed to scratch for me, he told me his friend was over for a few days. Of course he wanted to dump his friend and come over to mine and be made my bitch, regretting having his friend stay. What could I say other than to bring him? More the merrier and all that crap. After a few muffled moments on the phone, where I heard Louis practically begging this Adam to come along, Louis said as calmly as he could, “Okay”.

I didn’t care what Adam looked like. I would only need to see the back of his head after all, but this guy was fine! He was tall and slim with defined features and smouldering eyes below his obviously dyed dark hair and chestnut highlights. Fuck, I wanted to pound him the moment he entered my home.

I gulp more JD to the back of my throat, still staring at this new meat.

“Hi, my name is Adam Stanley,” he said happily as he walked through my door.

I grunted as I pulled Louis into me, kissing him as I pretend to ignore Adam, to not care he was even here. I can always sense too much love behind Louis’ kisses, no matter how much I treat him like crap. It always makes me angry at his naivety.

I didn’t close my eyes as we kissed, allowing my eyes to never fall from this new meat, this new fuck that was already cupping his erection as he watched me.

I discarded Louis, pulling Adam into me so that I can have his cherry red lips on mine,  losing my tongue into his mouth as I gripped his cock for him. He instantly hardened through his jeans at my touch and the memory of Austin’s monster flicked before my eyes. I shake it off as I signal for the boys to follow me, while I slowly remove my clothes and throw them to the floor.

I gulped more from my trusty JD bottle without offering them a drink, as I fell to my arse on the floor, leaning against my large floor to ceiling windows.

“Louis, get naked and get over here,” I demanded, taking my cock in my hand as I seductively offer him it. “Dinner time.”

As always, he did as I said, stripping off his clothes and falling to the floor, locking his lips around my cock. This boy does know how to suck, I will give him that.

I allowed my head to fall back so that it rested on the glass, all the while looking at Adam while he smiled down at me.

“You. Strip. Slow!” I growled at him.

He looked around my room before moving to my IPod dock, searching through my playlists before pressing play. Goldfrapp’s Stick Machine filled the room, and he started his dance before me.

I get high on a buzz

Then a rush when I’m plugged in you

I connect

When I’m flush

You get love when told what to do

The music brings me back from my recollection.

I keep my eyes on him as I take another gulp from my bottle and force Louis further down my cock, deeper into his hungry throat, ignoring his groans as I scratch my nails up his back before pulling his hair.

I’m in love, I’m in love

I’m in love with a strict machine

I look down at the fresh marks on Louis’ back, causing me to harden further and start stroking my left nipple. That’s fucking hot. JD is my new Viagra, a way to have my fuck.

I’m in love, I’m in love

I’m in love with a strict machine

Each sip of JD I take washes more of Austin from my thoughts as I keep my eyes on Adam. I’m grounded in the moment just staring at him while Louis glides his tongue and lips up my cock. I pull his hands to my nipples so he can twist them how he knows I like, while he moulds his lips over my length again.

Adam dances before me, licking his lips as he unbuttons his dark red silk shirt slowly to the music, before throwing it over his head, banging his hips to the beat as he over does his dance.

‘What an idiot!’ I think, smiling as I gulp more JD.

The now half naked Adam grinds his hips to the beat as he slowly shimmies his jeans to the ground. He stands erect and slowly moves his hips before me, wearing only his white Calvins, leaving nothing to the imagination as the fabric clings around his semi erection.

I lick my lips as small beads of sweat slowly fall down his smooth chest, over his perfect abs, making me glad I turned the heating up high.

Don’t do this, Tom!

Austin’s voice vibrates through my mind, causing me to lift the JD bottle to my lips to hush the voice within.

I need to be more distracted.

“Get over here and help Louis.” I glare my eyes at Adam, so he knows I won’t ask again.

He, like Louis, obeys my every word, causing me to sigh at the lack of real challenge. He falls to his knees and starts licking my balls, leaving Louis to work his magic on my length. They change roles from time to time, each getting a share of my girth before resuming the role they started.

I grab Adam by his ear and drag his face to my chest, pushing his lips over my nipple that he takes within his mouth like a juicy cherry. As he licks and chews my right nipple, his hand twists my left making sure both gain adequate attention.

I allow my chin to rise to the ceiling, while my mouth falls open as they both satisfy my every need.

Finally today, everything is going fucking perfect.

You said you loved me, Tom!


Spoke too fucking soon!

His voice is back to haunt me!

I sigh and take another large gulp from my bottle before spitting some to Louis as he worshipped my dick and, pulling Adam to my lips, I allow the warm liquid to move over my tongue, into his mouth.

“Drink up bitches,” I say, and they do.

They go back to the positions I ordered them in, never moaning as they served my needs.

I force Austin to the back of my mind and keep him there with my JD restraints, before I release my load into Louis’ mouth. As always, he doesn’t spill a drop.

“Share, share greedy,” I say, pulling Louis off my cock and towards Adam’s lips.

They hesitate and it becomes clear that they obviously didn’t intend on going this far together, only here to each have time with me. Obviously this excites me at the knowledge of something they really don’t want to do. Clearly, they will do as I tell them.

“Fucking kiss or get the fuck out!” I say, leaning forward and pulling Adam’s pants off, taking both their cocks in my hands. I rub their ends together and pull Adam’s skin over Louis’ cock so they are docking.

Hesitantly their lips meet and I sit back and admire how easily I can get men to do what I want. Satisfaction showers over me as they start touching each others cock.

I knew they would do as ordered and the thought makes me bite my tongue tentatively.

It’s not the same without me there. I know you want me there too.

Austin appears between them near their cocks, looking at me and smiling, taking both their lengths in his mouth.

See what I can do. I can make you more happy then these idiots!

“Fuck off!” I snap.

Adam and Louis stop kissing to look at me and I can see my cum still hanging on their lips. They look at me questioningly.

“Never mind! Follow me,” I say, getting up.

I lead my two naked toys to the doors leading to my balcony, before grabbing a new JD bottle and sliding the doors open. The cold night air slaps us and enhances my already drunken state. I still open the other bottle, planning to get fucked in more ways than one.

“Fuck man, it’s freezing out there. You crazy?” Adam groans.

I place the bottle down outside before walking over to Adam and grabbing his nuts, squeezing tightly, forcing lust in his emerald green eyes as my chin touches with his.

“What I am planning on doing to you will warm you up pretty damn fucking fast,” I grunt. “So shut the fuck up,” I finish before shoving my tongue down his throat.

I don’t allow them to argue further as I grab them both by the dick and lead them under night’s canopy, turning on my heated lamp and opening the small box where I keep my condoms and lube.

“I take it this is not your first time out here,” Adam says, grinning, as Louis’ all too knowing giggles leave his lips.

I don’t reply as I pull Adam into me, kissing his collarbone and moving my hand around to finger his ring.

He gasps, trying to pull from my grasp. As if he could.

“Stop….I…..” groan “…..don’t do…..” groan “….anal” He wheezes deliriously.

“Oh yes you fucking do!” I moan into his neck.

I was going to let him fuck me as I became a slice of ham in this sandwich, but Louis can have that honour now. This way I can make someone do what they don’t want to, for me, as usual.

I turn Adam away from me as I move another finger up him and signal for Louis to work on me. He annoys me with that pathetic look that says all his Christmases have come at once.


“I… really…” groan “… don’t…” groan “… shit!!!!” Adam buckles forward as I feel Louis fingers start to make their way into my arse.

I pant out my breaths as Louis works his magic touch within me while I begin to lube up Adam’s hole. He leans back into my hand as my fingers show him how good it will be, circling within him to show how much he will like it.

“Sure you don’t want me to fuck you?” I say, running my tongue up his back.

He leans back, grabbing onto my hair.

“I… want you, in me… now!” He demands.

I coat my pre-covered cock before handing Louis the lube and condom, while I push Adam’s hands forward to grip the rail of my balcony.

“Hold on, this will hurt,” I say into his ear.

I pick up my JD bottle as I feel Louis’ cock at my door, his excitement getting the better of him as he tries to force his way in.

“Lou, slow the fuck down. This ain’t a race!” I snap.

I slowly move into Adam, breaking another virgin arse in the same day. His virgin tightness clutches around each inch as I make my assault.

Tom, please, no!

I gulp the JD down my neck as I lose my cock in Adam’s arse to the chorus of his horny- fueled moans.

“FUCK!” He pants. “Fuck me harder….” groan “…faster….” groan “….need you!”

I grip my free hand on his waist as Louis follows my advance. The familiar burn engulfs my arse. He may have a smaller cock than most guys, but he seems to know what he is doing with it as he thrusts within me and holds on to my thighs while I go at Adam. I think of Austin’s monster and wonder how it would feel within me. The thought causes his words to flow into my thoughts again.

Why? Why him and not me? You said you loved me! Don’t you love me?

I charge into Adam as hard as I can, gulping more JD as he howls, Louis following my every movement. I allow their moans and gasps of euphoria to distract me from Austin’s words as I focus on our impending orgasm.

I can hear Adam making slapping sounds against his skin as he wanks himself. He doesn’t do anal, huh?

I don’t hear his voice again until we all fall on to each other as we climax, our breathing settling down its pace within us all, as we lean on to one another for support.

Why, Tom, why?

I sigh.

Another fucking ejaculation ruined!



My calls are never answered. She ignores my every attempt to make contact and only allows me the odd text message.

Please Austin, I need time.

Try to understand.

I do!

How could I not?

I know she is hurting, more because I didn’t trust her enough to tell her. She hates lies more than anything.

It’s only Tuesday and I have pushed what happened with Tom Parks to the back of my mind as I allow my new horrors to engulf me. Now my thoughts are only for Samara, trying to get her to talk to me, to hear her smiling voice again.

Oh, Samara.

Please forgive me.

I never wanted to hurt you!

I send the text and sigh, wondering if she will ever talk to me again, wondering how much she hates me right now and if she will ever forgive me.

Is she alone, crying into a pillow all the while cursing my name? My selfish desires are now sucking her pure heart away.

I sigh as I look at my phone, willing her to reply. I want to give her the time she asked for, but I need to know she is okay.

My solitude in Leeds Central Library is broken by the familiar voice that forces me to turn around, pulling me back to the present.

“Austin? Austin Mann? It is you, isn’t it?” Kelly Jones is smiling at me. “What the fuck are you doing in a library?”

She asked me that question? Her a bar owner and me a student?

“Erm…..I could ask you the same question. I am a student, remember?” I prompt.

“Fuck, girl gotta read hasn’t she?” She chimes her words at me.

“Ssssh!” the librarian moans from her desk.

“Oh sssh yourself!” Kelly snaps, before turning her attention back to me, lowering her voice an octave. “Missed you down at Halo, propping up my bar,” she says, knowing all too well I have only been there twice. “Find yourself a permanent dick to suck or did you find your way back to tea with Mr. Tumnus?”

I find myself smiling as knowledge that this is just her way, her blunt personality, that of a true person not afraid to speak her mind. You don’t meet many people like this now.

My fears for Samara ease slightly as I chat to Kelly.

“Not really. not a fan of the snow, either,” I grin, making her smile.

“So, can I assume you will be back pining over Tom on Thursday, get another look of your boo?” She asks, fiddling with her brown locks.

“Probably! Not seen him since Sunday when he left me after…..” I don’t finish as I turn away, blushing slightly and pulling my hair behind my ear.

How the hell did that slip out? Did she notice?

“Ah! So he finally gave you some of that famous Park loving. Sorry mate, real shame for you.” She looks at me apologetically as I groan; of course she noticed.



Come again?

What did she mean?

I allow confusion to appear on my face.

“Why shame?” I grill.

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t think you was like him,” she says.

“Huh?” Is all I manage to reply.

“You know. Just out for casual sex. But hey, if that’s your thing then who am I to judge? I love nothing better then a random, uncomplicated fuck. Who doesn’t? I just didn’t think you was like us, but hey, welcome to the world of kink!” She smiles without malice, but still leaving me confused.

“Kelly, exactly why would you think I am like that?” I ask.

Her eyes widen.

“Well, I thought you would be a little more hurt about just being another fuck to him,” she declares, turning her head to the side with the same confusion.

“I am not just a fuck, Kelly!” I snap.

She lets out a long sigh and pulls her hand to hang on her waist.

“Oh no! Not you too!” She shakes her head dejectedly. “Oh sweetie, give up now. Don’t waste your time. I love Tom, but he is a dick and lives for his cock. All he loves is sex and nothing else, and he never really fucks the same guy twice. Sorry, but he does this to all the guys!” She frowns. “Don’t get sucked in like the rest, honey.”

Anger fills me as I glare down at her.

“And does he tell them all he loves them?” The words escape me before I can control myself.

She freezes.

“He… said that? Really?” She looks at me bewildered.

I nod, smiling a little too much.

“Wait. You got the Tom Park to say ‘I love you’?” She says, leaving her jaw hanging open.

I nod a little prouder than I should.

She smiles before folding her arms with a look of awe in her face.

“Well fuck me with a twelve inch dildo! I am fucking impressed,” she says, loud enough to warrant another sssh. “Well, I assume you feel the same. Wait, of course you do! Well looks like you’re going to need my help.”

“I do?” I ask.

“Of course. If you want to have him falling to your knees, begging you to have him, then yes… do.” She gives me a smile that fills me with worry. “Austin! I know him better than anyone and I know what he wants, what gets him going. Wait, that sounded wrong. Just fucking trust me.”

We stand, looking at each other as she just smiles at me, obviously plotting something.

I gulped nervously as I see her mental cogs turning.

This doesn’t sound good.




The sun pulls me to consciousness, ringing in one mother fucking huge hangover! Last night was something else. In fact I don’t recall being sober at all this week. I fucked Adam and Louis well into Monday night before telling them to get out, leaving me to myself and vodka. Booze became my water as I lost myself to intoxication. Food forgot it’s importance.

Every time I heard that fucker’s voice, I reached for another bottle. It allowed the words to melt away, blurring my vision further.

I lay on my side in bed and can feel his arm draped across me, hanging lovingly around my chest.

I smile.


I turn to look back at the guy that I allowed the three words to leave my mouth for, but he isn’t there laying next to me.



Realisation fills me!

I forgot it was Thursday and I invited him over last night to take care of my itch again, the ever faithful pup!

Why did I think it was Austin? Why does his voice always come to mind?!

I need another drink.

Louis engulfs me further into his hug and I throw his arm off me, shocking him awake.

“What the…?” He says groggily.

“Get the fuck out,” I spit.

Louis sighs.

“Morning to you too,” he teases.

“OUT!” I shout, sitting up, causing Louis to jump as I make my way naked from my room to take a shower.

He shadows me, the needy fucker. Can’t he get a hint?

“You know, Tom, you can’t keep using me like this, like I am a piece of shit. I… I love you!” He says, making my stomach churn.

I pause at the door.

Love’s a fucking bitch.

I hold onto the door frame of my bathroom as I remember saying the same to Austin.

“I told you never to fall for me, Louis,” I say, allowing my eyes to fall to the floor.

Yes, I am a fucking dick, but I don’t want to hurt him. He isn’t as bad as the rest.

“Tom….” he pleads, moving towards me and resting his hands on my shoulder.

“Louis don’t. Please, just go. See you at work in a few hours.” I don’t look back at him as I make for the shower.

As I hear him leave, I step into my cubicle and stand there as the water falls over me.

I did tell him!

I told him what the rules were.

Why do people insist on wanting more than just sex?

Why can’t they all be like me?

Is the way I live my life really that bad?




I am in the staff room at Halo, changing into a rainbow flag thong before I rub baby oil over my chest, as Louis reluctantly helps me with my back. I can see his face in the mirror before me. He is looking down sadly and not bending my ear as normal.

I feel bad.

I knew he was falling in deep, but I warned him, told him specifically not to and here he was, looking defeated.

I have burst his happy bubble.

“Done.” Is all he says before making for the door in his leopard print thong.

“Lou, I…”  My words fall on deaf ears as he leaves the room.

Kelly walks through the door before I can check on Louis and make sure he is okay. She looks pleased with herself as she makes her dull announcements.

“Right, it’s filling up out there. Tom, you’re on second stage and the rest of you make your way to the others. Stage one is already occupied. Fucking Mike didn’t turn in so we are a dancer down. Remind me to sack the waste of space. Is Louis okay? He looks like someone died.” She asks, looking slightly concerned.

I ignore her enquiry about Louis, only bothered about her first statement.

“Second! What do you mean fucking second stage? Who the fuck is on one?” I demand.

“Calm down princess!” She smirks. “I have a newbie on display and he already has the men eating out of his hands.”

New dancer?

What the fuck!

I march past Kelly out into the bar as the music starts to play in my ears.

You know tonight, I am feeling a little out control

is this me, you wanna get crazy, because I don’t give a…

The place is already packed and I can hardly make out the dancer on the stage. There on the central stage, my stage with my regulars dancing around him.

All eyes on him.

I’m out of character, I’m in rare form

And if you really knew me, you’d know its not the norm

Well, they haven’t seen me yet!

Eat your heart out, tosser! I throw mental daggers at him as I confidently advance forward.

Anger is taking hold of me as I arrive at my small stage, to await the men to realise I am here, their star!

I move my hips to the beat of Christina Aguilera’s ‘Not Myself Tonight’, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone is looking at the guy in the sparkling blue thong and matching Zorro mask and cape.

Cause I’m doing things that I normally won’t do

the old me’s gone I feel brand new

and if you don’t like it fuck you

I look at the room and stop moving, watching the men all looking at this fucking dancer like I don’t exist. I see Kelly smirking, clearly far too happy with herself, staring at this dancer.

What is making her so fucking happy?

I look at him again. His smooth body sparkles with body glitter, his honey blonde curls hanging over his face, his slim pink lips slightly open as his tongue tastes the air.

The music’s on and I’m dancing

I’m normally in the corner just standing

I’m feeling unusual

I don’t care cause this is my night


I look to the blue thong again and see the massive bulge.

No way!

I’m not myself tonight

tonight I’m not the same girl same girl

It can’t be!

What the fuck is happening?



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